Ignoring the Whisper...
It seems odd to be sitting here in bed in somewhat of a depression feeling sorry for myself... when for the past several months, I have been heavily focused on the topic of suffering and trying to find ways to teach our youth that suffering has a real purpose and how beautiful it can be to lift up our suffering in order to help others, as so many Saints have taught us. But here I am, quarantined in my room, away from my beloved family, the same exact family I joke around about “needing a break from”. I am not able to go to my job, the job that is not only a passion and vocation, but where children are looking at me for stability, love, and guidance, that I joke around about “needing a personal day or two” from because it is just “too much”. I will not be able to celebrate my birthday with my amazing friends who set up hair appointments, dinner, and more surprises I do not even know about, when a few days ago I was saying “oh a great birthday would be to just sit on the couch because it just takes too much energy to go out”. Now having to postpone my daughter's birthday celebration, the same one I was just complaining to my mother about “being too much work”. It took all of this… each one a whisper but when put together becomes a shout… to get me to wake up.
I hear you God! I see the lesson you have taught me and know exactly why you had to teach me the hard way because all your small signs of abundant blessings were not getting the point across. So yes, having 14 days in solitude has gotten my attention! And wow, did I need this wake up call! It's quite shocking the way I can sit on my high horse while telling others to find the goodness and blessings in the small things and to take the crosses God places in your life and carry them with pride while offering up the suffering of carrying that cross for others. But when a cross is placed in my path I immediately turn around and run (screaming the entire way), searching for another path to take, only to find that path has two crosses placed upon it (as it should)...and that leaves me here. Sitting alone in my room while my family is at the park, while I should be getting my hair done at this very moment with my friends, preparing for a night out to celebrate another amazing year on this earth. But through my first initial feelings of hopelessness and self-pity, comes the feeling of acceptance. It is time to accept this, and be eternally grateful, in the grand scheme of things this is honestly NOTHING compared to the crosses others are carrying right now, and use this time to reflect and plan.
This has been a true blessing in disguise because without any actual loss, except for a few weeks of human interaction, I have been renewed, reawakened, and revitalized to how blessed I am and I am ready to plan that birthday party, go out with my friends, be the best educator possible, spend time with my family, and truly thank God for His blessings instead of taking them for granted… and when I do come upon that cross in my path… let me pick it up and carry it with pride… using its weight on my shoulder to help someone else lift the weight off of theirs.
“We need a revolution. Our revolution must be from within our hearts, that is, by the remaking of our lives.” ~Archbishop Fulton J Sheen, The World’s First Love